Heartbroken

Have you ever had a gut wrenching feeling?
So terrible to the point that you feel like you might throw up?
I'm there right now, and I am trying to process why.
I've been through a lot in the short 22 years of my life.
I've seen a lot of things.
I've met a lot of people.

But this one feeling inside of me doesn't disappear.
It won't leave me alone.
It's a constant hunger that needs feeding.
And I think it's only found through people.

Love.

I experienced Love this weekend in a way I never have before.
I hung out with 30 homeless people in Springfield.
I went with a group from my Church community.
20 Junior High kids and 7 adults.

I found Love this weekend.
I found Love in people.
And I discovered that "homeless" is a terrible title to put on people.
They are just people, like you and me.

They may not smell nice.
They may not look the best.
They may not be the friendliest person you meet.
But you know what?

They Love.

They know what Love is.
They long to Love.
They give Love.
They have Love.

It almost flows out of them freely whether they know it or not.

I capitalize Love.
Because Jesus is Love.

I saw Jesus in 30 People this weekend.
It changed my life.

All my life I've tried to fill up on lowercase love.
I've failed time and again.
I've made mistakes.
I've shattered dreams.
I've broken hearts.
I've been heartbroken.
All because of superficial,

insufficient,
illegitimate,
imperfect,
lowercase love.

My heart is pounding right now.
I wish that I could reconnect with every girl I've ever said "I love you" to.
Because I want to apologize for not Loving.
My heart breaks for them.
What might their lives be like if I Loved them before I "loved" them?
What might my life be like?

So, Caprice, Joanna, Kelsi, Kristy, Emilie, Brooke, Andrea, Beth, Becky, (insert your name here),
If you happen to read this, please know I'm sorry.
And if we cross paths again, ask me how I'm Loving.

Sorry to the rest of you for the level of awkward that was just surpassed.

I've been trying to be intentional lately.
I'm doing a better job.
This life doesn't matter if you aren't investing in people.

And
Loving
Them.

I know I'm not alone.
Although I feel that way sometimes.
So If you could right now, just lift me up in prayer.
Not for anything specific.
Whatever you feel like.
I'm an emotional guy and you just got emotionally vomited on.

I'll try to clean up after myself.

Love.